Make out Club.

No matter what I do, I seem to make the same mistakes that I try not to. In a way I enjoy it and that's my decision. I'm only human am I not? I have a sharp tongue and a quick wit. When you play the games that I do, you can't help but want to be a little wicked or facetious if you will. If you're good at it, you can take bullshit and sell it to blind folks. Seven layers and a firm brush stroke teaches you to make yourself and your messages subliminal. You get stuck between two worlds and you're torn because you're not fully aware of what you want. Don't front it, take what you can, give back what you want and call it a day. It's a gift or a curse depends on what you make of it.

Live a Little.

Everything is easier when you're open. There's no such thing as one too many. Baby girl's a queen but the queen's just a pawn with a bunch of fancy moves. How do you do if what you do is wrong? That's makes me giggle personally. I have acquired one of the most cynical senses of humour available to the public. I'll never have the balls to tell myself that I'm wrong. I can admit my faults but I can never say that I'm wrong. Why should I? Someone else can do that job. Indulgence has always been my particular sin. I'm perfectly fine with that. It's not something terrible when you really think about that. And I'm not the only one it affects so whose to say I'm selfish? Ha. I love these sort of situations.

Change the World.

If I could change the world, I would be the sunlight in your universe. For once and hopefully finally, I think I've made the right decision. I don't want to dwell on it too much because it could well you know.. I've found someone who suites me quite graciously and to put it in other words, he amazes me. I'm so proud of how he's beginning to change himself and I'm so happy that I can bring him the peace that I can. It's so silly honestly but for the moment I don't care. It's what I really needed and I hope he knows it. I've never felt so light hearted and happy. It's been a short time which makes me feel a little funny but if it's to continue on this way, that's fine with me. I look forward to what my future holds. The last few weeks have been pretty harsh on me and I've been doubtful of almost anything. I couldn't explain what was wrong with me and I couldn't seem to get anything sorted out. My head felt like a ridiculous puddle of nonsensical repression. My art has suffered and to me, that is quite devastating. What is an artist that cannot produce how they feel? Nothing was ever good enough. Piles of paper, broken pencils and failure. Blocked, angst, heartbroken and pain. Indeed some artists function better when in such a state but I cannot. That is not who I am nor will I ever be. I need something guiding my fingers and freeing the images trapped inside my mind. I like to think the possibilities are endless but when one is stuck in such a rut, everything seems against you and there's too much pressure. I don't want to get swallowed every again, it's a terrible feeling but you know as they say "Everything's Eventual". I'm taking things a step at a time and their finally getting better. Change comes to those who make it their own. I know it does. Look at me, I'm finally sleeping easier.

Like an Animal.

I don't know how I feel right now. There's too much to be said in such a short amount of time. I'm working on it even if I'm putting it off. Hamster in a wheel of monotony. But at the moment I just can't find the right words. Perhaps I've left them somewhere never to be found. I'm choking but at the same time I'm empty. I'm screaming through dead lungs. I know I don't have alot on my plate but at the same time I feel as if I've got too much to deal with. Am I wasting my time? It can seem like that on some mornings. Nothing is absolute anymore. Maybe that's who I am, the one with a never ending struggle to find that piece of solitude. I'll get it one day but who knows what the possible cost could be. Hopefully it'll be worth it. I tell myself when it's quiet that everything will be eventual.

Kid Nothing.

Lately I've found myself thinking about things that used to be. I'm happy with the changes I've made and how I've bettered myself. I do not regret but one thing in the last few years however I'm not willing to bring that to light just yet. I need a little bit more time for that and perhaps someone to share it with. I've been listening to more Gym Class Heroes and it just seems to make me realize things I never have before. It puts me at ease and that's something rather unusual. I strive to make others comfortable and while doing so I put myself to the side lines. I'm okay with that but it means I repress my feeling and my personal issues. I wish I could tattoo Thug Life on God's Stomach. I wanna take my art somewhere and just disappear from the world and all that is. The air's thick and heavy, nobody takes advantage of the gifts they've been given. Things are just falling apart and being wasted. This time it can't be fixed. What are you to do when the maze has no ending? That's what I would like to know. Do you need me like I would hope you do? Time will only tell. I'm willing to put my back against the wall once more.

Walrus and the Carpenter.

The time has come my little friends, to talk of many things; of ships, and sails, and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings, and why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings.
Stuck in time, dream a bit and never forget who loved you best. Who scorned you worst and held you through your downfall. Speaking your mind in the right company can be very pleasing but in the wrong sorts the consequences can be crippling. You have to wonder if you should say anything or should you just keep quiet? The chance you take can either make you or it can shatter you. Watch from afar and pray that you aren't noticed. Things are kept at their simplest when nobody notices you. Everything is easier when nobody sees you. Anonymity is the opposite of immortality. Maybe I'm the only one who understands that but it's so easy to see. If you don't want to live forever, make it look like you never lived at all. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be unavailable. If you feel that it's necessary. I'm alright with that.

Chemicals.

You know how uncomfortable I can get. Strange faces, strange places and no solace to be found anywhere. Those things that give me comfort and always took away the aching in my heart have turned against me. I suppose I figured everything was back to normal but a few weeks ago I begun to get weaker. My lungs feel as if they are filled with lead and I can't help but force something up every time I manage to cough. My body hurts in way that are foreign to me and I just feel so run down. Laying in bed takes effort because I feel so dull. It's as if every organ, tissue and muscle can be felt now and they are screaming at me. I don't know how to ease this pain or what to do anymore. Painkillers? Ha, they'll be the death of me. My stomach feels rotten as if it can no longer hold much at all. I don't eat much, it's too much effort to hold it down. My brain is fuzzy and tries to convince me that I've gone insane. They live in my brain. Those nameless things that feed on my darkness. Maybe I have gone crazy but who's to care? I'll have to live with it, if they don't kill me first. I can't live without them but I'm doing my best, they are the ones that keep nightmares from becoming reality. They make it easy for me to sleep long hours of my life but lately that's been hard. Sleep is hot, fitful and terrifying. I stay awake for hours almost until sunrise because of the pain. It feels as if my spine has been pushed over and i just don't know anymore. They no longer love me.. have I betrayed them some how? Killing you while you're killing me.

Bright Lights.

Baby baby baby when all your love is gone is who will save me from all I'm up against in this world. You'll never forget the first time that you said you loved someone and actually meant it. Even if their response wasn't exactly what you had in mind. I can't go a single day without telling someone that I love them and yes I really mean it. This heart is very large and proud, to not put it to such good use is a waste. I'm not willing to do that to myself. My words are never empty for I cannot allow myself to be so false. There's nothing greater than knowing that someone cares about you and keeps you locked inside their heart. The feeling is indescribable. I suppose the best way to put it is, it's like being a bird but if you're just this content then why does it matter. The cage can be adoring if it fits your wings well. Do what you please as long as your heart and mind are free. Often times it's a confusing situation to be put in, I find my heart hurting but my mind is totally empty. I can't complain because that means I don't have a headache. Numb. With love comes pain, you know it even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. The coin always has two sides and to flip it means you can get either. Ignorance is bliss when you're blind. Take the fold off and who knows what the world can hold for you.

Adagio Catasthrope.

Everything isn't blue skies as far as one may think. The rain clouds never seem to disappear and there isn't a fucking thing that you can do about it. Oh that umbrella you just bought has a huge hole in it. One just has to love the days when everything seems to go fucking wrong and you just kinda have to sit there in a stupor asking yourself "Why the fuck did this happen?" But I'm gonna have to sit there and shake my head on the side of the road because my tire just blew out. Damn, my life could be a country song.. Well that's one way to pay the bills. Pretend like I have talent and hopefully sleep my way to the top. I guess it's better than waiting tables or standing on the corner.. I won't be happy but I'll be safe. Things will get better it has to be so, because isn't that what hardships are about? Testing one's ability to resolve and just deal with things? I wouldn't know because I seem to fail at that. I have a hard time dealing because I'm such an antagonist. Things fall through my fingers faster than grains of sand could ever dream. It's my direct nature to go about things the "hard" way. I often find myself in repeat situations that are just plain stupid and if asked if i could do them again my reply is "yep." No wonder I'm so pissy but doing things easily is such a fucking bore. It's not fun at all and I deserve a good challenge thrown my way every now and again. I often find myself more alone than anything because I have the tendency to push people away. and I have the temperment of a tormented rhino. If you annoy me you're lucky to stay anywhere near me. Stupid is not cute. I can't deal with the useless bullshit that comes from your mouth. I can only take so much and then I snap. Then all hell breaks loose and I find myself trying not to rip your throat out with my bare teeth. Hmm.. that would be a great feeling. To finally get that peace and quiet I deserve. Fucking metaphors are so tempting as is world play but I am not in that sort of mood this morning. I'm raging and straightforward with my anger. Oh baby, I am an animal and it isn't a pretty sight. Not the cutelittle kitten you adore so much because I have the habit of curling up in your lap and dozing lightly when you pet me. The jungle cat is out and you've just fucked with her. Not smart. Teeth and nails that just want to feel and destroy. And there ain't a damn thing you can do about it. you should have thought about that before you opened your mouth. That's the dangerous part about my species. There's simply no remose to be felt. I can't do it, and I can't honestly be guilty if I don't feel "guilt". I guess that's what the problem is. I don't "feel" thing properly. that takes away from my pretty face but i guess I can easily live with that. What choice do I have? It's when that fear sneaks up and grabs me by the back of the neck and I'm paralyzed. There's no words that I can use to slyly get out of this situation. There's no money to be used as a bribe. There's no sex to be promised. I hate being stuck in a world with so many catch 22's but isn't that what makes us enjoy life? Ha!

The Way.

So everyone has trust issues. And if you tell me you don't well I'm gonna flat out call you a fucking liar. It's not enough to go through various stages of depression without really knowing who to turn to, you don't want to seem unbalanced or like a drama queen. There's no way to actually deal with it. There's always gonna be some kind of catch and consequence. The fact that you left without even bothering to try fix things and you intentionally drove me away is what really fucking hurts. I needed you and you were so goddamn selfish and lazy that you thought I was the reason for your bad moods. I mean seriously?! Have I not always gone out of my way to help you and when I hit that bottom again you left me because I was bringing you down!? I just don't fucking get it. And that's the worst of it all. How stupid I am. I keep coming back don't I? And you know I will so I suppose you'll never change. I hope a little and then I die inside because I know it's not gonna happen. This time I'm not coming back. I'm gone for good and you'll be lucky to hear my name come from your lips. I'm sorry I wasn't worth your time because when I needed you, I couldn't keep you happy. Life is funny like that. You never know where you can turn. And just when you think your safe too..

Negative Space.

I suppose for the longest time that I have been meaning to find an explanation for my beliefs. I've made choices and I do not regret a single one of them. I am perfectly content with myself and I'm glad that I have found it. I am an atheist because to me it seems perfectly logical and right. If I'm wrong well damn.. I'll bring marshmallows. I know that I am cynical and a sarcastic smartass but that doesn't mean I don't have a heart. I can say this and know it's true: I have probably done for for humanity than most Christian's have even comtemplated. I'm not bad-mouthing anyone but if you have been spoon fed your beliefs and been taught to follow then you are not actually living. The hardest part for me is to shrug off the annoyance. I feel uncomfortable walking into a church or another religious establishment because I know I will be judged and because I have no interest in their words. For they are hollow and meaningless for the most part. If you follow the crowd where exactly are you headed? You don't even know. I know my words can come off as biting and harsh but it's the truth. If you can't handle the answer, don't ask the question. Things are as simple as that. I mean as far as stereotypes go, if you never asked you'd never know that I was an atheist. It's not that I am embarrased or ashamed it's just that my business is mine and your's is your own. You can lbock out my words from your heart and I will make sure to do the same. If I am speaking at least be respectful enough to hear me out since I listen to you. To me god does not exist. He is a figment of our imagination if not an invisible "friend". I do not believe the world was created in seven days and so on and so forth. That is my personal opinion. I do not believe that we evolved from monkeys so don't try to pull that shit. Yes I do believe in evolution but as a whole. Man was bound to happen sometime. Cells and tissues and all that wonderful shit. I think that the term "everlasting life" is a metaphor referring to Thought. Since it is not a phyiscal being it cannot be created or destroyed. It is immortal yet non-existing. When we die we will recede into our subconcious and proceed into whatever lies ahead. Technically we will be immortal and always be here. This is a comforting idea for me I suppose. But hey, if I'm wrong, I'll bring marshmallows. I do not apoligize about the idea of a god being rediciulous. It is my personal expression but if you wish to believe in him then go for it. I won't mock you or cut you down. So don't feel the need to preach to me. I won't listen. I'll acknowledge your statements but i won't consider them. That's absurd. Don't try to change me. I made this decision for a reason. Realization slapped me in the face. Hard.

Follow Your Bliss

So here I am doing one of the things that I just happen to do best. Thinking. Something is always on my mind and I don't always know how to explain it. It's a pleasant feeling since it makes me realize that I am never truely alone; I have the companionship of my thoughts. However difficult they may be. What did you expect? Madness is fascinating. I guess I'm standing in front of an open window without a clue in my mind what to do about it. Should I jump or should I fall? Better yet should I close this window and walk away entirely? too many possible routes. But I love it. Love is something that I find quite puzzling. There are two types and that is far as I am willing to take it. I guess I'm left without answers but this is nothing new. I think that in my own insecurities I am slightly frightened. Not of the new or the old but of the unknown. And doesn't that make me a little more human because have a down side? Humanity is something that we need to grasp and realize it should be fixed. We as a people should make ourselves better. Selfaware and for god sake be self relient! Oh Emerson.. if only your words could touch more. I see no problem with needing help as long as one doesn't become a parasite. That's not what we're to live like. I've been reflecting on this subject alot lately becxause I need to get in touch with mine. I guess I'll grab a mirror when I look home to see something I am quite familiar with. A pretty face can always hide the secrets of the heart. Those eyes hold many things but that's another story for another time. But not everything is hidden, don't take me wrong. I'm not trying to come off as negative or vindictive. This just is a personal dwelling for a moment. I mean isn't that what I've been taught to do? Appreciate myself however ewrfrgdsg I may be. Heh I thought of that just a minute ago and the sly smile touched my lips. I want to apologize and kiss a coin, throw my sins of the docks and peacefully walk away. I need that quiet time. A vacation from the madness and monotony. Just myself and some interspection. Maybe that'll work this time. I feel so bothered by the fact that I'm confused. Things have been moving too fast for my tastes because I'm used to slow country afternoons where I could sit at the creek and watch it babble endlessly. Life moves on more quickly than what I have a taste for. I just want it all to slow down and at least give me a chance to catch up. That's what I really need. A chance. I don't believe in asking for help because for the most part I am self made and in that way I hope to never unwaver. Attachment is what draws the most resentment from me but hey, we're not meant to be robots. We have free will, desire and choices. I think the oppertunity is unending. Nothing is really over anymore is it? Everything is not only eventual but immortal. Even if it dies out the memory is still left there for someone to analyze. I thank my heart for this. It may be weak but at the same time this little organ is amazing. Damn literal and figurative connotations. I love being left to my own devices. It's much more peaceful when I'm calm.
I feel blissful.

Pink Drinks.

Nothing is ever as easy as it looks. There is always something with unitentinonal meanings that seems to mean to block one off from imperitive thoughts. That's a real bitch. Take emotions for example I mean yeah nobody wants to to be a robot but they aren't all that great actually. Sometimes we let our heart take over our logical side and when we do that more often than not we get fucked. It's not pretty to review the damage done by unrash behavior. Think before you jump. It makes things so much easier on me and it makes you look a little better. But maybe that's because my vision is blurred and my speech is slurred. And you think I'm the cynical one here. I don't think so. Take a double look in that mirror above your bed then get your shit straight before you keep running that mouth. I'm gonna say this once: You don't deserve a damn thing you've got. I never meant any of the words that came from my mouth I only said them to keep you quiet. You don't realize how upset you've made me. And it's about time you did. You're obnoxious, irresponsible, annoying and overly proud. Don't worship what you think you've made. You've never done a damn thing to deserve what you've got in your pretty little hands. Fuck you because I am so over it. Why am I still around? Because I know what would happen if I wasn't.