Calling All Cars.

So began the year. Already I've made new friends and decidedly dropped the old ones that were choking me. My grades are incredibly decent and that's coming from me. Things are a little bit of a struggle and I find myself at a loss of words. But that's alright because sometimes we dont need to use words to explain how we feel.


I'm at peace.

Reinventing Your Exit.

So I'm up against the wall. You both have hurt me and fucked me over so badly that I really feel no need to see anyone. I don't want to hear from either one so just forget about me. The lies, the betrayal and false accusations are so done. You took my love yet again and decided it was only good for making me your pet. Don't ever ask me to change myself for you again because it's not gonna fucking happen. I'm tired of being something I'm not jsut to see you smile. You were never even worth that much. You disgust me with your talk of "love, devotion and meanings." Truth is you probably have fucking idea what any of those words mean. But that's prefectly okay because even tho you told me you'd never leave me. You did.
And I'm feeling a bit better about myself but I feel sympathy for the next person you try to own.

The Scarlet Path.

Aesthetic. It's no longer a word but a creature. Amazingly simple but at the same time, something so complex that one an never truely understand it. To one it is glorious to another it is not. Not a soul may own this thing. This diety from which many draw strength. It is holiness within itself. A treasure, a pawn. I use this word to describe art. It instills itself deep in my heart, feeding off my thoughts and I hope to never let it go. I know my definition may seem cliche but I do as I wish and explain it one way. The human body is a machine, a thriving, lusting, powerful machine that is unlike any other invention in the world. Humans are also just simply stunning. Complex beings that fear what the understand and care not to tangle with the unknown. This is why I choose to draw them in different circumstances with different emotions. I can play a mirror that will show you terrifying monsters, beautiful women and things that only dreams are made of. Butterflies that reside in the bellies of beasts that await a chance to be undevoured. Who knows what I'll bring you next. Romance deeps with mystery. Or horror stuns the sight. What I bring to you is a chance for me to express myself on how I view the world. Let you peer into my mind so that you may understand me a little more. Sadly though, my subconcious scares even me. I must tell you this, I am unlike anything you have ever studied. I do not create my own worlds with selfish conviction I only draw from others their ideas of me. I leave you to make your nest with a tiny prayer that you grow a little more.

Get Well Soon.

Is it getting better? Is it getting worse? Was it ever worth is? Was it just a curse? You've probably understood me more than anyone else because we come from similar backgrounds yet still different and maybe we may never truely grasp one anothers meaning. Our tempers are pretty fucking dangerous but oh well. And you may start to think I talk way too You put up with me and I put up with you. You're my bfff and I'm your kiddo. Things after I started talking to you drastically changed my sight. I know people are assholes, boy do I know and I want to say that I'll never stop being there for you. I'd stop what I was doing and run to you if I could. Right now it's pretty hard but I'm doing my best. hopefully next year you'll give me the chance to be welcomed into your life and I can show you the ways that you were meant to be treated. I have found a friend, a best friend, an older brother, an artist and a fucking cuddle buddy. Also someone I love dearly. No idea why but oh well. Hope I don't freak you out cause I'm actually honest. Feh, you wouldn't be the first person to leave me because of how I feel but I can totally understand. So I say now we go get some fucking ice cream. We deserve it.

Heart Surgery Isn't That Bad.

Yeah I've been dwelling over the past a bit too long. I'm just afraid to dive into the future. I'm scared and lonely. Things can either work or they won't. The rejection is what has me so apprehensive. What am I ever to do? I'd be better off with my heart in a jar. I'll always be your kiddo even as we drift further apart. The pain pills or lack there of have fucked your mind so bad that even I am I little sensitive to your rages. But I still love you. The nights are fading and we won't stop breathing. Even if my hearts way past beating. One comments on me saying that I am to never be understood nor can I be captured. I can only hope for the sake of tings that this is totally true. Wish me luck in the world darling.

Seize the Day.

With you there is nothing to take for granted. You have stuck by me when I have come damn near crashing. No matter how shitty things have gotten for me I can always rely on you. I just wanna say thank you and you really don't understand how much you mean to me. I do love you even if it seems like a fucking cliche. I don't deserve such a great friend. "I'm too young to worry", you would not believe how many times I hear that and just start crying whenI think about all the shit I've been through. Yet you have stuck with me through it all and you have never let your love for me falter. Though we may come from seperate grounds and some parts are the same you still see me for who I truely am. How can I ever pay you back for your kindness, your acceptance and your love? That's practically impossibe but I'll do my fucking best. Special? Yeah you are. You understand me, and even when you don't you won't let me drown in the ocean of sorrow. You are always there to throw me back and keep my sanity from slipping through my fingers. It's all I can to keep from breakig down right now and even if I do, I know you have my side. Thank you once again for your support.

Lost.

How the fuck can you do thia to me? I've never turned a hand in your direction and yet you feel like you can do anything you want to me. At first everything was fine and then you just changed. Like some sort of monster. You molded yourself into not only a parasite but into something I realized I had to get away from. Like prey, you treated me. You hunted me down and tried to destroy my happiness. You knew my health was fragile and yet you decided to crush the breathe out of my frail lungs. How fucked up are you that you could do such damage and then call me the whore?! My body aches from the slaps and bites. These scars won't heal because that was your plan all along. To gather me into your web and just leave me for dead. You knew I thought I couldn't do any better than you and so you took this chance to rape me and my heart. You are a monster and you fucking know it. You feed off my soul and try to dissect my every little move. Every detail becomes a part of you until I can no longer breathe. The worst fucking thing is that you get away with it too! No one will listen to my cries and they always turn away as the blood begins to pool. If I ever got the chance I would take a pole and ram it through your chest. You don't know how good it would feel to have your blood running down my hands. Oh god. Am I becoming you?

Camisado.

Just hear me out. I'm a prisoner of my own humanity. Yet you stay the nonconformist purple haired freak I was always with. My hands are the tools in which I create and how I breathe. Don't wallow in your misery because you think that I'm okay. False pretenses are nothing but and you know it. Where will that leave us hun? Stranded without a clue? I shouldn't have to explain myself unless I choose to, other than that you can keep your comments to yourself. How I love you for your apathy. But I do miss you. The late night discussing politics on the back porch while we watched the stars fall down. I know you're somewhere out there. You'll find me and things will be like they once were. My best friend, I miss you terribly. I'm lonely and out of place since you've been gone. I still don't understand why my mum was that way towards you, you never did a fucking thing to her. But I tell her that you'll be back someday. I know you will. As always, I'll shy away from the specifics and allow to you fill in those gapped out years. Cross the line and just fucking do it. I never wanna take back the memories or the parties or anything. I'm ready to try again but first we gotta hang out. You know I couldn't keep to myself long enough. Now get the cd player, I'll puke on your dad and we'll go under the blankets and kill Elizabeth :P

Danger Zone.

My eyes looked at her with deep regret and love. My hands moved down her face and my lips met hers to kiss away the pain. The shock and astonishment as my words finally registered in his head. I was gone and he wouldn't get me back. Life is so much easier now that he's gone and you're back. Thought I'd lost you for the longest but I can totally see that you're never leaving me. Next year will soon be here and then it'll all be great.

Secrets.

Why I take my relationships and friendships so hard, so seriously. I work so hard to make everything right, make it fucking perfect. Make everyone happy. So in the end Ill be happy. Does it ever work? More often not. I can deal with it. Just hide the things in my closet and bury the dead. Somedays I like to keep things simple in order to not leave the reminders in the open. Of my failures and other's regressions. Was this ever real?

Breaking the Habit.

I need to come out. Breath unto the world again. Observe the birds and hang in the trees like I used to. Sit outside and just watch everyone live. I think that this is the one thing that could bring me solace in my heart. To know to feel that the earth is real and that everything in it is not just a figment of my imagination or subconcious. Do I ask for too much? Tell me if it's so. Tell me tha my dreams are empty and unfuflling. Just your conversation would be enough to sustain me. Tomorrow will be a step to living again for today is nearly done and that wouldn't be as heartening. The sky is fadng and night is coming once again, I'll grab my book and head back to my corner. Oh what a life.

Almost Easy.

Sometimes it's easier to stay with walls up and head held high than to let it all down and forgive. To show weakness is a sign of humanity. That we are no longer animals but a race of creatures that are supposedly socially unaware and inept to feelings such as empathy, sympathy or anything caring. How long before a child could change the eyes of the world? The future held in her hands could be absolute utopia or it could be a crumbling hell. Sometimes it just seems so bleak and pointless to carry on this dreary planet. Everyday we get closer to our dreams and farther from our past. Revolutions are just another way of saying that the way things once were are dying and becoming extinct. Will everything change? Will we no longer recognize ourselves within what we have become?

X&O's.

When the time comes and I need you the most, you're never to be found. The lies are profound but yet I stay near. Hoping to hear your words comfort and warm me instead of breaking my heart. I doubt things'll ever be the same as they once were. I'm wiser but still stupid and you haven't changed a bit even with all this time that's passed. Guess that makes me a fool. I'm blind and deaf to your ways and I hate it. I can't stand how I let you rip apart my being. I know you can never do better than me but why do I always end up running back to you? I just wanna find solice in your beating heart, warm chest and dark eyes. Can I do that again or am I forever damned to contemplate on the things that will never be. Curse my bleeding heart. It's fucking useless, making excuses for you and trying to cover up your sins. Yet all the while I know I shouldn't turn such a blind eye to these things and I should carry on. Wish things could be that simple.

Pill Matic.

Oxycotto. Xanax bars, Percocet, Loritab, Valuim, Morphine. Adderall. Zanaflex. Klonipin. 3 c's. Seroquil. Honey brows. Trazedone. Call me a walking pharmacy. Could be considered my best friends at one point. These we're some of the best and worst days of my life. Made me fucking famous, partied like rockstars, did crazy shit. Helped me get through the worst situations imaginble (real and imaginary) but with horrible results. Deaths, loss of friends, grades, family bullshit among other things. Why'd I turn to these things? I don't even remember it's been so long. Now I've got a terrible back, can't even take a damn tylenol without worrying about causing another ulcer, spent 4 months with strept, terrible leg muscle degeneration among other things..Haha not just the lost brain cells. Would I do it all differently if I could? Probably not. I'm that fucking dumb. And the shit's harder than you think. ;]

Star-Crossed.

If the stars said that you couldn't love me are you telling me that you would listen? That's alright. I never expected anything less of you.

Everyday Forecast.

Today's been raining and unpleasant. My heart feels like it could be blown aways by the slighest of winds, a whisper of rightly placed words could distance it from my chest and then it wouldn't even be mine anymore. But I remain humble with these thoughts and keep things so deep that even the rain can't touch them anymore. Stuck between two worlds, mine and the world that is shared with all of the other people that exist. I find comfort in knowing that even when I'm lonely, I'm still not competely by myself. I've got my found strength thru the things that I enjoy and am capable of loving. I do grow fond of these things and hope that they will grow in abundance and sparkle for all eternity. Not fading without my consent.

The Days never End.

Turn off your headphones or turn them up. Grab a book and sit outside. Plant a tree then paint a picture. You'll be suprised at how amazing your hands good be and how better your heart would feel. It's a chance to destress and become one with yourself. Who knows what'll happen. Discover your voice as you climb a tree. Records don't last forever darling so take them out the closet and dance across the ocean floor like we did so long ago. It's a chance yo need to take to clear up the past and live again. Childhood ends? Says who?

After(Life) of the Party.

Well it's like this. Keep your hand over your mouth if you've gotten proved wrong. Don't fuel the fire especailly when you have no idea what you're talking about and all you're gonna do is piss people off. If you have a problem don't be rude about it and try to make everyone else around you look like a fucking fool cause you feel like you have the right to be a total cunt. Like the old saying goes: "Don't like the show, get up and change the damn channel."

Free Bird.

Where does this day find me? Wondering what became of you and I. I feel that I'm ready to cross that bridge that we discussed so many months ago. I've dealt with the bullshit and rumors but still kept an open heart. Now it's time to gather our thoughts and discover if we're ready to try this again. You know how I feel about it..or do you? Are all these attempts just wasted? I don't know anymore. I don't really think it's fair of me to see other people while I still think of you. The further we drift...the more I realize that you don't feel the same.So with an open mind and a cleared conscious I reckon it's time to let you go. I'll never be through with you hun but I guess it's better that we quit tryin to force it since it obviously wasn't meant to be.

On one's Dreams anyways.

I believe that it's attempt at immortality a strike at the eternal life. Living your dreams through someone else, becoming famous and recognized. Your word gets pressed and passed on to others so your name is always on someones lips. Dead or alive it never matters as long as you're never forgotten. Yes, that's the key to it all. To never be forgotten is to be erased. And to be erased to is to be deleted. It's probably one of the worst feas of all humans. To be unloved and lonely. But if we're dead why should it matter. Aye it doesn't seem quite right but it is. Now others would think that it's for the "greater good" to have their legacy passed on, their life goals, missions, dreams and failures will actually help in the future. Help rewrite the future. Fight to the end at making things right one could always assume. Dignity, charity, love and peac are all things that the worlds needs more but sadly these things need to be genuine. People need to become more real. Humanity has reached some all times lows and they need to realize that even when they are gone, they still live on. And the evidence is over whelming. Just take the time and realize how you live your life and what you do, does in fact affect others. Think of the changes that your life will cause. Just think about it. ;]

Looking back.

I just wanna take this time to apologize. I never meant those things I said. The pain I caused, I wish I could just take it away and let it lie in my heart. But I know that things could never ever be that simple. I only want to know why you did those things to me? Played me as your pawn so you could find happiness. Sometimes I think about all the things we went through and I wonder what I could have done differently and how that would alter how things are now. I just wish that I could have been smarter and not trusted you like I did. My only regret was not being there in the end and the only thing I hate was that I loved you so fucking much.

There goes the Sun.

Meh I'm feeling kinda shitty right now. It's 12.34am and I hardly get any sleep anymore. Four hours at the most but I'm not bitching. There's no use in it. Always up late at night playing games and voicing my views to people who honestly could not give a fuck about me and don't want to know about my actual life. Why do I do it? Boredom could be an excuse but thats all it narrows down to in the end. If my real friends are all out without me doing things that they love, I should be able to find some small comforts on the web. Should'nt I, it seems to be the right thing? I hope the answer is yes but sadly I grow more distanced from my computer. Things that once brought me joy are now just becoming a pain in my side. I know I should get out into the town but I hate this shit hole I live in. Nobody to actually sit down and talk with. Face to face like it once was. I really should get my ass outside. These are sad times darling. But we can't sleep here, this is bat country.

Welcome to planet earth.

To heartbreak and pain can sometimes make you stronger. For being so young I've seen all kinds of torturous pain. I cant help but think about it and feel a sense of helplessness. The world is a terrible and cold place. I've done my best to find solace in the hearts of those around me. It's so hard to look at someone new and be able to trust them without knowing deep down if they truely knew the things you've seen and experienced that they would hurridly gather their things and run away. But you get used to it after having it happen so many times, the worst part is when someone looks you in the eyes, says it's okay and that they'll never leave you but after a short period of time they begin to feel youre depressing them. How can you fucking do that? Claim to be a friend and then when things become bad for you, just break it off? Well human nature at its finest one can assume. We're all creatures of habit and our natures are decietful and disturbing. We're all the same on the inside, being made of flesh blood tissue and organs, our brains and hearts hide the most terrible things and our eyes are filled with glowing hatred. It would kill us to be anything other and if we had survived that adaptation we would become "alien" and "unreal". We just cant fucking stand eachother can we?

Actually. You deserve this.

Sometimes life is just shitty and I've grown used to people treating me like hell and getting walked all over. So if you have the balls to tell me"I deserve better" Fuck you, cause you're probably one of the assholes who's done it to me. I'ma great chick and I've great friends and I don't need you if al you're gonna do is drag me down. I'm tired of going out of my way just to help you and then get fucked over on the way. As some people would say, I'm too good for that.