The Way.

So everyone has trust issues. And if you tell me you don't well I'm gonna flat out call you a fucking liar. It's not enough to go through various stages of depression without really knowing who to turn to, you don't want to seem unbalanced or like a drama queen. There's no way to actually deal with it. There's always gonna be some kind of catch and consequence. The fact that you left without even bothering to try fix things and you intentionally drove me away is what really fucking hurts. I needed you and you were so goddamn selfish and lazy that you thought I was the reason for your bad moods. I mean seriously?! Have I not always gone out of my way to help you and when I hit that bottom again you left me because I was bringing you down!? I just don't fucking get it. And that's the worst of it all. How stupid I am. I keep coming back don't I? And you know I will so I suppose you'll never change. I hope a little and then I die inside because I know it's not gonna happen. This time I'm not coming back. I'm gone for good and you'll be lucky to hear my name come from your lips. I'm sorry I wasn't worth your time because when I needed you, I couldn't keep you happy. Life is funny like that. You never know where you can turn. And just when you think your safe too..

Negative Space.

I suppose for the longest time that I have been meaning to find an explanation for my beliefs. I've made choices and I do not regret a single one of them. I am perfectly content with myself and I'm glad that I have found it. I am an atheist because to me it seems perfectly logical and right. If I'm wrong well damn.. I'll bring marshmallows. I know that I am cynical and a sarcastic smartass but that doesn't mean I don't have a heart. I can say this and know it's true: I have probably done for for humanity than most Christian's have even comtemplated. I'm not bad-mouthing anyone but if you have been spoon fed your beliefs and been taught to follow then you are not actually living. The hardest part for me is to shrug off the annoyance. I feel uncomfortable walking into a church or another religious establishment because I know I will be judged and because I have no interest in their words. For they are hollow and meaningless for the most part. If you follow the crowd where exactly are you headed? You don't even know. I know my words can come off as biting and harsh but it's the truth. If you can't handle the answer, don't ask the question. Things are as simple as that. I mean as far as stereotypes go, if you never asked you'd never know that I was an atheist. It's not that I am embarrased or ashamed it's just that my business is mine and your's is your own. You can lbock out my words from your heart and I will make sure to do the same. If I am speaking at least be respectful enough to hear me out since I listen to you. To me god does not exist. He is a figment of our imagination if not an invisible "friend". I do not believe the world was created in seven days and so on and so forth. That is my personal opinion. I do not believe that we evolved from monkeys so don't try to pull that shit. Yes I do believe in evolution but as a whole. Man was bound to happen sometime. Cells and tissues and all that wonderful shit. I think that the term "everlasting life" is a metaphor referring to Thought. Since it is not a phyiscal being it cannot be created or destroyed. It is immortal yet non-existing. When we die we will recede into our subconcious and proceed into whatever lies ahead. Technically we will be immortal and always be here. This is a comforting idea for me I suppose. But hey, if I'm wrong, I'll bring marshmallows. I do not apoligize about the idea of a god being rediciulous. It is my personal expression but if you wish to believe in him then go for it. I won't mock you or cut you down. So don't feel the need to preach to me. I won't listen. I'll acknowledge your statements but i won't consider them. That's absurd. Don't try to change me. I made this decision for a reason. Realization slapped me in the face. Hard.

Follow Your Bliss

So here I am doing one of the things that I just happen to do best. Thinking. Something is always on my mind and I don't always know how to explain it. It's a pleasant feeling since it makes me realize that I am never truely alone; I have the companionship of my thoughts. However difficult they may be. What did you expect? Madness is fascinating. I guess I'm standing in front of an open window without a clue in my mind what to do about it. Should I jump or should I fall? Better yet should I close this window and walk away entirely? too many possible routes. But I love it. Love is something that I find quite puzzling. There are two types and that is far as I am willing to take it. I guess I'm left without answers but this is nothing new. I think that in my own insecurities I am slightly frightened. Not of the new or the old but of the unknown. And doesn't that make me a little more human because have a down side? Humanity is something that we need to grasp and realize it should be fixed. We as a people should make ourselves better. Selfaware and for god sake be self relient! Oh Emerson.. if only your words could touch more. I see no problem with needing help as long as one doesn't become a parasite. That's not what we're to live like. I've been reflecting on this subject alot lately becxause I need to get in touch with mine. I guess I'll grab a mirror when I look home to see something I am quite familiar with. A pretty face can always hide the secrets of the heart. Those eyes hold many things but that's another story for another time. But not everything is hidden, don't take me wrong. I'm not trying to come off as negative or vindictive. This just is a personal dwelling for a moment. I mean isn't that what I've been taught to do? Appreciate myself however ewrfrgdsg I may be. Heh I thought of that just a minute ago and the sly smile touched my lips. I want to apologize and kiss a coin, throw my sins of the docks and peacefully walk away. I need that quiet time. A vacation from the madness and monotony. Just myself and some interspection. Maybe that'll work this time. I feel so bothered by the fact that I'm confused. Things have been moving too fast for my tastes because I'm used to slow country afternoons where I could sit at the creek and watch it babble endlessly. Life moves on more quickly than what I have a taste for. I just want it all to slow down and at least give me a chance to catch up. That's what I really need. A chance. I don't believe in asking for help because for the most part I am self made and in that way I hope to never unwaver. Attachment is what draws the most resentment from me but hey, we're not meant to be robots. We have free will, desire and choices. I think the oppertunity is unending. Nothing is really over anymore is it? Everything is not only eventual but immortal. Even if it dies out the memory is still left there for someone to analyze. I thank my heart for this. It may be weak but at the same time this little organ is amazing. Damn literal and figurative connotations. I love being left to my own devices. It's much more peaceful when I'm calm.
I feel blissful.

Pink Drinks.

Nothing is ever as easy as it looks. There is always something with unitentinonal meanings that seems to mean to block one off from imperitive thoughts. That's a real bitch. Take emotions for example I mean yeah nobody wants to to be a robot but they aren't all that great actually. Sometimes we let our heart take over our logical side and when we do that more often than not we get fucked. It's not pretty to review the damage done by unrash behavior. Think before you jump. It makes things so much easier on me and it makes you look a little better. But maybe that's because my vision is blurred and my speech is slurred. And you think I'm the cynical one here. I don't think so. Take a double look in that mirror above your bed then get your shit straight before you keep running that mouth. I'm gonna say this once: You don't deserve a damn thing you've got. I never meant any of the words that came from my mouth I only said them to keep you quiet. You don't realize how upset you've made me. And it's about time you did. You're obnoxious, irresponsible, annoying and overly proud. Don't worship what you think you've made. You've never done a damn thing to deserve what you've got in your pretty little hands. Fuck you because I am so over it. Why am I still around? Because I know what would happen if I wasn't.