The Way.

So everyone has trust issues. And if you tell me you don't well I'm gonna flat out call you a fucking liar. It's not enough to go through various stages of depression without really knowing who to turn to, you don't want to seem unbalanced or like a drama queen. There's no way to actually deal with it. There's always gonna be some kind of catch and consequence. The fact that you left without even bothering to try fix things and you intentionally drove me away is what really fucking hurts. I needed you and you were so goddamn selfish and lazy that you thought I was the reason for your bad moods. I mean seriously?! Have I not always gone out of my way to help you and when I hit that bottom again you left me because I was bringing you down!? I just don't fucking get it. And that's the worst of it all. How stupid I am. I keep coming back don't I? And you know I will so I suppose you'll never change. I hope a little and then I die inside because I know it's not gonna happen. This time I'm not coming back. I'm gone for good and you'll be lucky to hear my name come from your lips. I'm sorry I wasn't worth your time because when I needed you, I couldn't keep you happy. Life is funny like that. You never know where you can turn. And just when you think your safe too..

Negative Space.

I suppose for the longest time that I have been meaning to find an explanation for my beliefs. I've made choices and I do not regret a single one of them. I am perfectly content with myself and I'm glad that I have found it. I am an atheist because to me it seems perfectly logical and right. If I'm wrong well damn.. I'll bring marshmallows. I know that I am cynical and a sarcastic smartass but that doesn't mean I don't have a heart. I can say this and know it's true: I have probably done for for humanity than most Christian's have even comtemplated. I'm not bad-mouthing anyone but if you have been spoon fed your beliefs and been taught to follow then you are not actually living. The hardest part for me is to shrug off the annoyance. I feel uncomfortable walking into a church or another religious establishment because I know I will be judged and because I have no interest in their words. For they are hollow and meaningless for the most part. If you follow the crowd where exactly are you headed? You don't even know. I know my words can come off as biting and harsh but it's the truth. If you can't handle the answer, don't ask the question. Things are as simple as that. I mean as far as stereotypes go, if you never asked you'd never know that I was an atheist. It's not that I am embarrased or ashamed it's just that my business is mine and your's is your own. You can lbock out my words from your heart and I will make sure to do the same. If I am speaking at least be respectful enough to hear me out since I listen to you. To me god does not exist. He is a figment of our imagination if not an invisible "friend". I do not believe the world was created in seven days and so on and so forth. That is my personal opinion. I do not believe that we evolved from monkeys so don't try to pull that shit. Yes I do believe in evolution but as a whole. Man was bound to happen sometime. Cells and tissues and all that wonderful shit. I think that the term "everlasting life" is a metaphor referring to Thought. Since it is not a phyiscal being it cannot be created or destroyed. It is immortal yet non-existing. When we die we will recede into our subconcious and proceed into whatever lies ahead. Technically we will be immortal and always be here. This is a comforting idea for me I suppose. But hey, if I'm wrong, I'll bring marshmallows. I do not apoligize about the idea of a god being rediciulous. It is my personal expression but if you wish to believe in him then go for it. I won't mock you or cut you down. So don't feel the need to preach to me. I won't listen. I'll acknowledge your statements but i won't consider them. That's absurd. Don't try to change me. I made this decision for a reason. Realization slapped me in the face. Hard.

Follow Your Bliss

So here I am doing one of the things that I just happen to do best. Thinking. Something is always on my mind and I don't always know how to explain it. It's a pleasant feeling since it makes me realize that I am never truely alone; I have the companionship of my thoughts. However difficult they may be. What did you expect? Madness is fascinating. I guess I'm standing in front of an open window without a clue in my mind what to do about it. Should I jump or should I fall? Better yet should I close this window and walk away entirely? too many possible routes. But I love it. Love is something that I find quite puzzling. There are two types and that is far as I am willing to take it. I guess I'm left without answers but this is nothing new. I think that in my own insecurities I am slightly frightened. Not of the new or the old but of the unknown. And doesn't that make me a little more human because have a down side? Humanity is something that we need to grasp and realize it should be fixed. We as a people should make ourselves better. Selfaware and for god sake be self relient! Oh Emerson.. if only your words could touch more. I see no problem with needing help as long as one doesn't become a parasite. That's not what we're to live like. I've been reflecting on this subject alot lately becxause I need to get in touch with mine. I guess I'll grab a mirror when I look home to see something I am quite familiar with. A pretty face can always hide the secrets of the heart. Those eyes hold many things but that's another story for another time. But not everything is hidden, don't take me wrong. I'm not trying to come off as negative or vindictive. This just is a personal dwelling for a moment. I mean isn't that what I've been taught to do? Appreciate myself however ewrfrgdsg I may be. Heh I thought of that just a minute ago and the sly smile touched my lips. I want to apologize and kiss a coin, throw my sins of the docks and peacefully walk away. I need that quiet time. A vacation from the madness and monotony. Just myself and some interspection. Maybe that'll work this time. I feel so bothered by the fact that I'm confused. Things have been moving too fast for my tastes because I'm used to slow country afternoons where I could sit at the creek and watch it babble endlessly. Life moves on more quickly than what I have a taste for. I just want it all to slow down and at least give me a chance to catch up. That's what I really need. A chance. I don't believe in asking for help because for the most part I am self made and in that way I hope to never unwaver. Attachment is what draws the most resentment from me but hey, we're not meant to be robots. We have free will, desire and choices. I think the oppertunity is unending. Nothing is really over anymore is it? Everything is not only eventual but immortal. Even if it dies out the memory is still left there for someone to analyze. I thank my heart for this. It may be weak but at the same time this little organ is amazing. Damn literal and figurative connotations. I love being left to my own devices. It's much more peaceful when I'm calm.
I feel blissful.

Pink Drinks.

Nothing is ever as easy as it looks. There is always something with unitentinonal meanings that seems to mean to block one off from imperitive thoughts. That's a real bitch. Take emotions for example I mean yeah nobody wants to to be a robot but they aren't all that great actually. Sometimes we let our heart take over our logical side and when we do that more often than not we get fucked. It's not pretty to review the damage done by unrash behavior. Think before you jump. It makes things so much easier on me and it makes you look a little better. But maybe that's because my vision is blurred and my speech is slurred. And you think I'm the cynical one here. I don't think so. Take a double look in that mirror above your bed then get your shit straight before you keep running that mouth. I'm gonna say this once: You don't deserve a damn thing you've got. I never meant any of the words that came from my mouth I only said them to keep you quiet. You don't realize how upset you've made me. And it's about time you did. You're obnoxious, irresponsible, annoying and overly proud. Don't worship what you think you've made. You've never done a damn thing to deserve what you've got in your pretty little hands. Fuck you because I am so over it. Why am I still around? Because I know what would happen if I wasn't.

Calling All Cars.

So began the year. Already I've made new friends and decidedly dropped the old ones that were choking me. My grades are incredibly decent and that's coming from me. Things are a little bit of a struggle and I find myself at a loss of words. But that's alright because sometimes we dont need to use words to explain how we feel.


I'm at peace.

Reinventing Your Exit.

So I'm up against the wall. You both have hurt me and fucked me over so badly that I really feel no need to see anyone. I don't want to hear from either one so just forget about me. The lies, the betrayal and false accusations are so done. You took my love yet again and decided it was only good for making me your pet. Don't ever ask me to change myself for you again because it's not gonna fucking happen. I'm tired of being something I'm not jsut to see you smile. You were never even worth that much. You disgust me with your talk of "love, devotion and meanings." Truth is you probably have fucking idea what any of those words mean. But that's prefectly okay because even tho you told me you'd never leave me. You did.
And I'm feeling a bit better about myself but I feel sympathy for the next person you try to own.

The Scarlet Path.

Aesthetic. It's no longer a word but a creature. Amazingly simple but at the same time, something so complex that one an never truely understand it. To one it is glorious to another it is not. Not a soul may own this thing. This diety from which many draw strength. It is holiness within itself. A treasure, a pawn. I use this word to describe art. It instills itself deep in my heart, feeding off my thoughts and I hope to never let it go. I know my definition may seem cliche but I do as I wish and explain it one way. The human body is a machine, a thriving, lusting, powerful machine that is unlike any other invention in the world. Humans are also just simply stunning. Complex beings that fear what the understand and care not to tangle with the unknown. This is why I choose to draw them in different circumstances with different emotions. I can play a mirror that will show you terrifying monsters, beautiful women and things that only dreams are made of. Butterflies that reside in the bellies of beasts that await a chance to be undevoured. Who knows what I'll bring you next. Romance deeps with mystery. Or horror stuns the sight. What I bring to you is a chance for me to express myself on how I view the world. Let you peer into my mind so that you may understand me a little more. Sadly though, my subconcious scares even me. I must tell you this, I am unlike anything you have ever studied. I do not create my own worlds with selfish conviction I only draw from others their ideas of me. I leave you to make your nest with a tiny prayer that you grow a little more.

Get Well Soon.

Is it getting better? Is it getting worse? Was it ever worth is? Was it just a curse? You've probably understood me more than anyone else because we come from similar backgrounds yet still different and maybe we may never truely grasp one anothers meaning. Our tempers are pretty fucking dangerous but oh well. And you may start to think I talk way too You put up with me and I put up with you. You're my bfff and I'm your kiddo. Things after I started talking to you drastically changed my sight. I know people are assholes, boy do I know and I want to say that I'll never stop being there for you. I'd stop what I was doing and run to you if I could. Right now it's pretty hard but I'm doing my best. hopefully next year you'll give me the chance to be welcomed into your life and I can show you the ways that you were meant to be treated. I have found a friend, a best friend, an older brother, an artist and a fucking cuddle buddy. Also someone I love dearly. No idea why but oh well. Hope I don't freak you out cause I'm actually honest. Feh, you wouldn't be the first person to leave me because of how I feel but I can totally understand. So I say now we go get some fucking ice cream. We deserve it.

Heart Surgery Isn't That Bad.

Yeah I've been dwelling over the past a bit too long. I'm just afraid to dive into the future. I'm scared and lonely. Things can either work or they won't. The rejection is what has me so apprehensive. What am I ever to do? I'd be better off with my heart in a jar. I'll always be your kiddo even as we drift further apart. The pain pills or lack there of have fucked your mind so bad that even I am I little sensitive to your rages. But I still love you. The nights are fading and we won't stop breathing. Even if my hearts way past beating. One comments on me saying that I am to never be understood nor can I be captured. I can only hope for the sake of tings that this is totally true. Wish me luck in the world darling.